Why We Are Poor Listeners

Lazy listening is enormously costly to our success. Most of us think we are good listeners, but that overconfidence may be the reason for our downfall. Nothing puts a sales call in jeopardy faster than poor, inattentive listening. Customers don't take long to get a sense of your listening commitment, especially given the fact that 90% of communication is nonverbal. That's right, 90%. About 55% is through obvious body language and 35% is by how you say it. Given these overwhelming statistics, it's pretty tough to convince the customer that you are listening if in fact you're not.

We listen at about 25% of our potential. We miss, ignore, forget, distort, or misunderstand 75% of what we hear. Hard to believe perhaps, but true. Given these statistics, we can see why communication breaks down so quickly. The receiver is responding to only 25% of the sender's message. That's why during my seminars I suggest that, "In most cases, communication is not part of the conversation." Such lazy listening habits are very costly, to both your business and your personal success.

Improvement begins with an understanding of why people have a natural tendency to be poor listeners. Rather than have you put this book down and promise aloud, "I will be a better listener," I offer you the four reasons why we are poor listeners.

Our predominant thoughts focus on ourselves and sex. We think of ourselves 24 hours a day—how we look, feel, our personal problems and successes, work, and so on. Even while we sleep. Did you ever have a dream where you weren't in it? Probably not. We see ourselves as the most important element of our lives, followed by a natural attraction to sex. Psychologists agree that on average we think of sex consciously or unconsciously every two and a half minutes. We were put on this planet to reproduce, so thank goodness He made it fun. Maslow's hierarchy of needs theory reinforces this concept, along with our overwhelming need to be loved and accepted. People will go to great lengths to satisfy those needs. It's no wonder we are poor listeners when sitting with our customers. Our agendas usually take precedence over theirs.

Our minds wander. Our minds think approximately eight times faster than we talk. We normally speak at approximately 130 words per minute, we listen and understand at up to 400 words per minute, and we can think at 1,000 words per minute. Unbelievable but true. Here's the dilemma: our customers talk to us at 130 words per minute and we think at 1,000 words per minute. Mental drift is too easy and often results in minimal communication during a conversation. Clearly, it takes tremendous discipline to stay focused on the customer's message. By the way, your customers also experience mental drift at a speed of 1,000 words per minute. Chances are good that during a feature dump their minds will wander off somewhere else, perhaps Jamaica or Barbados.

We can't wait to reply. Our unbridled enthusiasm to reply sabotages the communication model. We often listen with the sole intent to reply. At the expense of effective listening we formulate a response, at a speed of 1,000 words per minute, before the sender has completed commenting. The second they finish speaking we jump in with what we think is a valid, appropriate response. Our quick response is further fueled by our perceptions and biases as we attempt to decode their message. When you jump in with your quick response, it clearly communicates to the sender that you were not listening, that you were more concerned with your reply rather than understanding the message. It can be very frustrating and irritating when you know the listener is not paying attention and is preoccupied with formulating a response.

Listening is a lot easier when you like the person and agree with the message. The most difficult time to listen is when you disagree with what you're seeing or hearing. Under those conditions, many listeners aren't listening at all—they're preoccupied with drafting a rebuttal. The challenge is to put personal feelings aside and focus on the message. As with effective negotiation, deal with the issues, not the personalities.

A suggestion to help overcome your tendency to offer an immediate reply is to wait two to three seconds before you reply. Let the sender finish her comments, look her in the eye, acknowledge her input with a nod or a verbal sign, then reply. The big plus is that if you wait a moment your customer may start talking again and yes, that's a good thing.

We interrupt—a lot. Everybody has an opinion and loves to get his two cents' worth in. Even if we aren't asked, we willingly lend our views and comments, thinking that we are making a significant contribution. Over the years we have been conditioned to interrupt, or we may not get a chance to share our views, which of course are critical if the conversation is going to have any substance. What fuels our need to interrupt is that we are always thinking of self or sex and we can do it at 1,000 words per minute. With this lethal combination it's no wonder we are poor listeners.

Effective listening means more than refraining from the bad habit of interrupting. Good listening means being satisfied to listen to the entire message rather than waiting impatiently to jump in with your response.

My informal research suggests that a conversation won't last longer than 20 to 30 seconds before an interruption occurs—someone jumping in with a story, another view. However, in a sales call it can be advantageous to interrupt with questions that clarify your understanding of the situation. I refer to this as productive interruption. Customers are tolerant of clarification questions because the focus remains on them and you are showing interest.

To further demonstrate your commitment to the customer and to improve your listening skills, be sure to take notes during the sales call. There is no way you will remember all the details and issues you discussed. In regard to note-taking protocol, be sure to ask permission to take notes when you are in the customer's office. It's polite, respectful, and your nonverbal message is, "This meeting is important so I need to take some notes." If you are in the neutral territory of a boardroom or a meeting room, you do not need permission. However, ask anyway. If the customer is getting ahead of you and your note-taking, simply interrupt the customer by saying, "That's a great point, let me make a note of that." The customer will be happy to give you a few seconds to complete your notes. At the end of the meeting you might consider summarizing the important points. You can preface this with, "As I understand it . . ."

When you improve your listening skills, you hold a competitive edge. Lucky for you, listening gets scant recognition by your competitors. As we know, listening is not strongly identified in selling and you are not likely to be "out-listened" by the competition. They're too busy trying to get the customer to listen.